I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
'Cause we don't want your broken parts
I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one'll love you as you are
I've never been like other girls.
Growing up, I was considered a tomboy; climbing trees and playing war with my cousins were my favorite pastimes, fourwheeler rides helped put me to sleep, swimming in the river made me grin with pleasure.
I could stay in the pool for hours, I wasn't afraid of very many things (clowns, always afraid of them) and I guess sometimes that got me into trouble, like the time I disappeared and my mom had to run through the mud (in her white shoes) after me.
I was pretty rowdy at times, with messy hair, holey jeans and bare feet, sometimes a little too loud, and I guess I did fit the description of a tomboy.
That made me a little different than the other girls, and I sometimes felt uncomfortable around them, wondering if there was something wrong with me.
As I grew older, I began to change some.
Suddenly I wanted to do my hair, wear makeup, put on heels and ribbons, and yet I didn't quite know how to do it without having others stare at me in surprise and say, "But
you don't care what you like."
It was frightening for me to step out of my tomboy image, when so many people knew me for it, but I eventually did learn to embrace who I was becoming.
And yet I was still different. And I still am.
It's been hard for me to accept myself for who I am, because I have always felt so out of place, even with my dearest friends.
I talk soft, sometimes too soft, and yet, other times, I am so obnoxious I cringe at the thought.
My quiet attitude can intimidate people, causing them to think I am stuck-up or unhappy, but in truth I'm observing them from my place in the corner, pondering what they are saying, wondering just what makes them tick.
I can read people, pick up on their emotions, and tend to feel the weight of it at times, because my heart aches for them.
Others think I'm
stubborn and narrow-minded.
Someone once said: 'LaKaysha sees the world through a foggy window. She looks at it and says, 'I can't quite see what's out there, but I know I don't want it."
That remark actually hurt me, but I only chuckled, rolled my eyes and walked away, feeling misjudged and misunderstood.
I pondered that remark for weeks, with a heavy heart.
My music taste is different than most of the girls I've come in contact with, and it's often picked on, too, because most teenage girls don't listen to the old country singers, or old gospel albums.
"They sound uneducated." Someone said.
That hurt me, too, but I moved on without a response, because I have learned you cannot change people's opinions, no matter how much you argue.
Charley Pride and Alan Jackson will always be dear to me, even if others don't understand it, and Hank Williams will always have a special place in my memories.
I like the simple things in life, like sunshine, guitars and running criks, starlight, campfires and apple blossoms. Strawberries, fruit pies and spicy cider. Pickup trucks and baseball. Family gatherings filled with guitar music and beautiful singing.
My love for my country is deep, very deep, something other girls shake their heads at and some even scoff, but I can not change this affection I have for the Stars and Stripes.
I truly love Her. We use that word 'love' a lot, when discussing out favorite movie or ice cream flavor, but that's not really what the word means.
I
love my country, my flag, and the boys overseas, our way of life here in the U.S.A.
I cry on days like December 7th or June 6th, because so many people have stopped caring.
In a day and age where it's out of fashion to support troops and your nation, this also makes me a little 'odd' to others.
Another thing that makes me different than most...
I've experienced death.
I know there are others out there who have lost more than I have, but it doesn't change the fact that I have known what grief truly is, and that kind of thing affects the way you look at others.
The other day my mom was talking about someone approaching her after my Grandma's death and telling her that they couldn't imagine the pain she was in, because they had never lost. Anything.
I was actually pretty blown away at that. "They've never lost
anything?"
The thought of going through life without losing money, loved ones or things you hold dear...It is still unfathomable for me. I can't even imagine it.
And this also makes me different than some. In fact, some people even get annoyed if you talk about the loved one you lost. Because they don't know what it's like.
Grief is something that will never go away, and you will be a changed person when it comes.
You're broken a little, inside, and that piece will never be whole again.
I hate the news.
This is one I've been thoroughly rebuked for, but I hate it for different reasons than they think.
I believe Americans should be informed, but 'all things in moderation'.
I find when I watch the news, I'm dwelling on the bad, focusing on the sadness all around, and I become emotionally exhausted by the darkness.
Because I want to fix
everything and I can't.
I love people.
When I like someone, I don't just
like them, I love them. Whether they are someone I've known my whole life, someone I've just met, or someone I've never even spoken to.
My heart wraps them up tightly, I hold them close, and when they let me down, it's like tearing something inside of me. That's when I draw deep inside myself, and it takes a while for me come out.
Even then I don't stop loving them. In fact, it seems endear them to me even more.
But I won't push my way into someone's life. If I feel unwanted in any way, I give up. I'll always love that person, but I won't beg for their love in return.
People don't get me. I don't think they ever will.
Because I
am different. I'm a home schooled, introvert with big dreams and starry eyes, who likes to sing to herself in an empty garage, cries from beautiful things like newborn babies and sad songs, and wants to hug every person she meets.
And you know, I'm slowly coming to realize,
that's okay.
Because I am who God made me to be, crafted with His loving hands to do great things for His glory, and not my own.
The world won't understand me, because I follow a God Who is a god of Love, and peace, and hope. My smile is one of complete bliss, because I know, that despite what they think, my worth is found in the One Who saved me 2,000 years ago.
It's okay to be me.
Different, not less.
LaKaysha
